Master Po say:
Polish gynecologist give bad advice to patient with yeast infection when he say, “Feed a mold and starve a beaver.”
University of Warsaw: Confused co-ed found reinforcing bed frame in her dorm. She getting ready for Spring Break.
Home plate official faint from heat in baseball game in Italy. Fans witness “Fall of Roman Umpire.”
Scotland News: Mother of six, arrested on charges she keep children locked in home of filth and squalor – Lawmen feel they capture “Lock Mess Monster.”
Mrs. Po give me permission to rearrange the furniture in our TV – Rec room. A Holiday miracle, We never been closer.
New underwear brand for well endowed men to hit market soon. Denzel Washington to do TV ad for Pelican Briefs.
Long before Lorena Bobbit, Napoleon’s wife catch him with other woman. She put gun powder in his pants and blow his Bonaparte.
When cannibal with limited reading skills read barn sign, he get excited. 
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It became crystal clear from the start, that Mr. and Mrs. Sid would name their baby, Lou.
When rock musician Santana’s dad take away his driver’s license, he change his name to Carless.
Blonde Pollock cross ocean with female music group. She put on resume she work for Atlantic Broad Band.
When Claire family have baby with unexpectedly dark complexion, parents name baby Chocolatey.
When 875 lb obese man escape from health clinic, authorities fear he remain at large.
After world’s most boring man rob bank, he become person of interest.
From “Entertainment Tonight” & CNN: Aging original cast to return to film sequel to “Deliverance” – this time they play “Drooling Banjos”
Political news: Blonde exotic dancer from Des Moines come down with horrible thigh rash. She do routine on Iowa Straw Poll.
When residents of Warsaw hear of swarms of hornets in city, Polish prostitutes go into hiding.
Scuba diver with overactive bladder release memoirs – “20 Thousand Leaks Under the Sea.”
Stampeding elephant crush 3 midgets, bearded lady and man with two heads. Circus authorities say it’s a freak accident.
Gloria Steinem refuse to sing in church because they only sing hymns.
When Warsaw man told he set example of Bigotry, he reply, “I don’t have any large maples, oaks or any other trees on my property.”
Afraid of being shot, young boy develop fear of rabbit hunting when he hear relatives talk about Hare trigger on guns.
Man arrested for false advertising of Fish Oil tabs that guarantee super strength. Officials say ad is superficial.
When date order mussels at dinner, blonde gal say “Take me home, I didn’t know you were a cannibal.”
When Polish visitor notice fly on Buddha statue – He think he must be in Budapest.
Tiny bull preaching gospel, become minister.
Chemist discover new pesticide that kill only female weeds – no doubt a broad leaf weed killer. Mad admit during sex theray session that he addicted to Bush Beer.
Beware of smiling migrant worker who offer to work for free – he might be the grin reaper.
While at shore in motel bathroom, Master Po ready to tear hair dryer off wall and return it to proper place - Hamilton Beach.
Always wanted to be astronomer - but realize easier to study heavenly bodies at the beach.
Man in pain with gout attack refuse ambulance ride to hospital - he demand Toe Truck instead.
Rememba: Husband whose fingers burn at night, is catching hell during day.
One aspect of “Dancing With Stars” that monks in Temple will not miss – when Brooke Burke ask very good questions to contestants, like: What are you feeling now? & How happy are you? & What do think about those 3 “10’s” – We think she just a babbling brooke.
Pollock found “Guilty” in Warsaw court room maintain he never use “any fish parts to make tea.”
WARNING: All Female auto mechanics – some male customers only want “Front End Alignment.”
Most Polish men avoid career in nursing because they produce no milk.
On heart floor of hospital, all patients must get ECHO CARDIOGRAM….ECHO CARDIOgram….ECHO cardiogram….Echo cardiogram….echo card…..
I've come to realize that hospital gowns only good for hanging out.
Rememba: When reading sign “Bumpy Ride” while boarding old steam locomotive tour – it not mean hobo urinate on train seats.
When Pollock by ticket to “Soap-Box Derby” contest, he think he fly to “Ivory Coast.”
Botanists in Brazilian rain forest discover new flower where male stamen is huge to aid in pollination. No doubt a “meat packing plant.”
Hookers, nationwide, looking for union to join. They decide on "American Pipe Fitters."
After losing temper and cussing out gas-guzzling SUV, man move to Mad@gascar.
AP, UPI, CNN: Steelers market new sales idea during NFL Lockout: “Ribbon Wrapped Vibrators” to be sold under the brand name, “Dick LeBeau.”
When Mia Ranno’s husband Ty have painful hemorrhoid surgery, he legally change name to Tyrannosaurus.
Hunched-backed man subdue men who are fathers, then cut their hair and release them. Authorities suspect man from “TRIM A DAD – LOMBAGO”
· When Muammar Gaddafi go on rampage and break all barometers in Libya, people want to convict him of Crimes against Humidity.
Rememba: Aging geography professor might have problems with continence.
New movie being filmed abroad – Women encrouraged to tell all Italian men they love them - 3 nights in a row. Movie called “Talladego Nights”
Body builder who have equal strength in both arms prefers he be called Bi-ceptual.
Chinese college student who prefer small breasted women have huge party at his Frat House.
Tale about lady in tribe who seek revenge on immoral woman who steal her brave husband away is called “Squaw Skank Redemption."
Cairo, Egypt: Flat barge carrying cows wrecks on sand bar in Nile River. People expect government to question moo bar wreck.
Cape Town, South Africa: Women kidnapped, sedated and released unhurt but have lower abdomens shaved. Authorities suspect Bushmen and Bushwhackers.
Nashville - UPI, AP, WNI, Strange brown ooze, leaking from flour bags on store shelves. Authorities suspect Ronnie Milsap.
When Grizzly mauling victim recover from surgery, he realize Polish surgeon attach bear paws to his arms. Doc say, “victim has right to bear arms.”
Mexican rooster who refuse to step into cock fight ring now known as “Chicken El Fraido.”
After dog attack chicken, dog owner advised - Keep a "cord on Blue."
Chicken farmer in France called Chicken Farma John.
Fairytale update: When Rapunzel’s tower cannot be made energy efficient, she move to Greencastle.
Chippendale dancer who wear white furry thong use stage name, Peter Cottontail.
When Santa read about dead birds from sky, he happy it not "rain deer."
Horn player stuck on first note enjoys "Play Dough."
More dead birds, thousands around Temple. All show signs of trauma in the breast feathers. Monks suspect booby traps.
Amazon area of South America: Scientist explains latest dead bird sightings. He say, “diarrhea, diarrhea.” And some ostriches in flock drop over dead.
When 90 year-old grandmother from Mexico enroll at PSU, she get nickname, Gram Spaniard.
Man who spend much time in woods might have affair with pussy willow.
When fly fisherman's line break, his buddies should tell him nicely that his fly is down.
And rememba too: Vegetarian mustard greens.
Man in wheelchair who keeps baseball hat close by, has handicap.
Tim and Twyla Voyant have an unexplainable, almost prophetic urge to name their new daughter, Clara.
Dock worker at Marina can jump from boat to boat because he wear “Span Decks.”
Scientists discover tiny whale that has 72 hour life span. Must be a sperm whale.
Two locomotives race down track and finish at same time. This called Railroad Tie.
When western PA man learn Viagra and Cialis not work for him, he move to "Fallentimber"
Master Po notice bad smell in Jeep. He find what looks like rotten nightcrawler. It's not. More likely large blood vessel left from slain deer a few weeks ago. No doubt a "Car Rotted Artery"
When Jane Seymour’s partner on “Dancing with the Stars” notice she have sweaty, clammy hands, he call her “Clamity Jane”
AP, UPI, World News International: Serial rapist, Grath Dickens, serving a sentence of life in prison in Oklahoma has a book deal in the works. Title - "The Rapes of Grath" no applause, send Christmas cookies to the Temple.
Having an unexplainable burning in my hands and fingers lately. Maybe I've been catching too much hell.
When Santa Claus’ foot explode, he realize he have missile toe in boot.
For you old baby boomers out there – When donkey farmer petition Olympic committee for mule races, they call him “20 Mule Team Bore Ass.”
As our minds age, they are similar to infant's diaper. Not likely to undergo self-change. (Had you thinking there, didn't I?)
Fellow Buddhist Priest Richard, have strange knack for using almonds to treat sickly monks. He write book, “Poor Richard’s Almond Knack.”
Before James Whistler paint famous painting of his mother, he was a drama major.
Rememba: If patches A through D fail, try Apache.
When Vienna Boys Choir come down with flu, they go to Geisinger Medical Center.
When 4 more chickens get sick at farm, forensic pathologist called.
If call girl wear sun glasses, she cover horizon.
Rememba: Guilty Smurf always leave blueprints behind.
Soldier who steal pie from mess hall known as deserter.
Slow monk flunk Penn DOT work test. He think asphalt mean man has rectal troubles.
When blonde asked if she need any condiments at dinner, she reply, "No thanks, I'll save the condom mints for later on."
While touring New England in boat, Master Po see many tall people wading in water, with bathing suits staying dry. He figure we must be in High Anus Port.
Master Po explain to ditz on tour boat. She upset at DRAW BRIDGE sign, and they not give her paper, or art tools.
I say to her. Hell, I wait all day yesterday on bridge too, and not see one gun fight.
Jeff Bridges was arrested for shooting at one of those signs, and the police would not believe his story.
Tanzanian police arrest Jaro Allyjeuuan, who confess to killing an African man. When asked why he did it, he say, " I see sign that say 'Kilimanjaro' on road, so I follow directions."
Dung Beetle Motto: A turd on the land equals two in the toosh.
Soldier come home and wait with bated breath while blonde fiancé pick him up at airport. Blonde check his mouth for night crawlers first, then give him kiss.
When confused blonde hear that boxer “go down for the count” she think he make love to Vampire.
If farmer not fix leak in roof of milk house, he better get used to stool softener.
Rememba: Man who fish for gar in sea may get hooked on cigar.
Battered Chinese housewife finally leave husband – she become follower of Charles Man Shun.
Man who crush grapes at home to make wine, end up with large Mush Room.
When Sylvester Stallone notice odor on set of “Rocky,” he say, “ I’ll Talia, Shire more often, please.”
When man fall from Grace, he must learn to squeeze her more tightly next time.
When midgets take ship hostage authorities suspect Smalli Pirates.
As Rosie O’Donnell agree to gibberish contest with Nancy Grace, judges decide ancient city of Babylon is best location.
When Tin Man spill beer on his shoulder and trunk, rust start to make his joints squeak. He now only drink at “Creak Side” Inn.
When huge lady get charged for two seats on American Airlines, she take case to chief tax ASS’s-HER's.
When Roethlisberger’s attorney explain behavior to Roger Goodell, he say, “He can’t help it, Big Ben’s Cock is Ticking” and he want to live life to its fullest.
As Magic Johnson’s hearing get worse, medical doctors suspect “hearing AIDS.”
When William the Conqueror grow old, he no longer carry real weapon. He then called William Fakespear.
Arsonist on party ship say he get degree from Sear-A-Cruise University.
When lady basketball player get tubes tied, she graduate from Neuter Dame.
Confused blonde think juggernaut is huge lady who can tie jugs in knot.
Eye doctor recommend concert to patients with dry eyes. She give tickets for FreeDance TearWater Revival.
"Rememba, Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder." - borrowed, sorry.
Just call master Po, "Ulysses" as he is often taken for "Grant-ed"
While shopping, Master Po see man buying spring Easter flower for his wife, named Sythia. He tell clerk, "this is For-Sythia."
When Arkansas Razorback transfer schools, he say, “This little piggy go to Marquette.”
"When taught to strike happy medium in life, student get arrested for assaulting smiling fortune teller."
“Cattle set to stampede following lightning strike known as thundering herd.”
“Watch dog with automatic shock collar will never let you pass. He very dogmatic.“
“Horny carpenter take hammer to attic to pound off. “
“Wild, crazy male organ called coo-coo cock.”
“When Colin Powell due for exam, doctor recommend Colin-oscopy.” “Find too much smoke blown up ass by those in Washington.”
“When Amish teen tell dad she pregnant, he say, “too many Mennonite.” “When vet find lice on legs of mountain cat, he treat Nittany Lion.” (nit knee lion)
“Male bird with two reproductive organs known as Cockatoo.”
“Bale fall on lizard is the straw that broke the chameleon’s back.”
“Puzzled male tiger question wife about his frayed jeans - Tigris, Euphrates?” (Tigris - You fray these?)
“Playboy who think he Night Hawk might just be Great Horny Owl.”
“After patient complain eye doctor tickle her during exam, doc tell judge, it optical illusion. (Op Tickle)
“After Pittsburgh woman have suspended bladder surgery, she no longer live in Beaver Falls.”
“Disease-ridden rodent found in city bake shop is Pittsburgh Pirate.”
“When chief tell confused brave of approaching winter storm, brave expect visit from many snow squaws.”
“Depressed Shao Lin Priest who lie on railroad track suffer from split personality disorder”
“Baby Teddy Bear who refuse potty training must stay in Pooh Corner.”
“When young lumber jack break hatchet in woods, he get fist piece of axe.”
“Repeated shoplifter in jewelry store known as Kranich Kleptomaniac.”
“As hog butcher cut ribs, he contemplate soohy side. “
“If honey bee sting woman in crotch, she called honey puss.”
“Geisha girl who use mouth wash as douche, is Lavoris Clitoris“
“Terrorists warn that sperm clinic will be bombed – many to be over come in rubble.”
“Meat butcher with hernia has plenty of tender loin.”
“When MacDonald’s open in hell, Satan sell Evil MacEvil dinners.”
“When baseball player swallow straight pin, he go into batting slump – He then called pinch hitter.” (pin shitter)
“Old man, smoking dope, while rocking on chair called Happy Rockefeller. “
“Two gay men named Bob known as Oral Roberts.”
"Man who growl and snarl at dog owners to get pets spayed and neutered is also Bob Barker."
“Surfer, who fart get caught in rip tide.”
“Man who try to walk on water might die in under tow.”
“Bragging unicorn with cold, tend to toot own horn.”
“Man who continue to fall in out-house in winter, battle cold sewers for life. “ (cold sores)
“Cat house owner, who give free service to men with foot fetish, have stock in Frito-Lay.” (free toe lay)
“Scholar who eat beans cannot solve astute problems.” (ass toot)
"If Tiny Tim get too close to oven, he could end up a Cratchit in the rye."
“Over-milked cow will suffer ‘udder’ exhaustion.“
“Rice Krispies allowed to freeze become Snap, Crackle, Popsicles.”
“Rice Krispies allowed to sour become Snap, Crackle, Pop Tarts.”
“Man who drive like crazy, develop Loco motion.”
“When Chinaman see Frenchman urinating in woods, he yell, ‘European in the Bushes’!”
“Glass-eyed man who eat spinach, called Popeye.”
“Anorexic who refuse ride becomes Walking Stick.”
“Small gnat bother astronaut on moon flight known as Lunatic.” (lunar tic)
“Beings on Mars who ignore others, guilty of Martian.” (Mars shun)
As part of major cover-up, “Braless Canadian scientist told by boss to search for Labrador.” (lab bra door)
“If farmer knock down lantern in barn, he better off changing business to Worm Farm.” (warm farm)
“Playboy who attempt to grope two ladies at once, called Fortitude.” (four tit dude)
When Shao Lin priest in Buddhist Temple asked to tighten robe, he reply, “Please bare with me. “
“Most Penn Dot workers are Rhodes Scholars.”
“Man who insist on sitting on cactus alone, learn he assert himself.” (ass hurt)
“Young man may flunk out of school if he prefer to study abroad.”
“Female frog that sit on very short post, likely to have Tad Pole.”
“If Dr. Kevorkian open pediatrics office in China, euthanasia in trouble.” (youth in Asia)
“When botanist move to Berlin, he take part in germination data.” (German Nation)
“Rumor that oil tycoon is rich is well-founded.”